I’ve gone to a few therapy sessions to help me recover from what my ex-fiancee did to me. These sessions have forced me to be pretty introspective. Lately I’ve had one thought at the forefront of my mind: do you know how difficult it is to be honest with yourself sometimes??
It seems silly, really. Why shouldn’t you be able to be honest with yourself? It’s not like someone is listening to the thought track that is running through your head. But I’ve begun to realize that I haven’t always been truthful with myself and still am struggling with that.
I have a few hypotheses as to why this might occur. One, it may be the case that we are trying so hard to convince others of something that we start lying to ourselves about it (example: telling everyone that I’m really bouncing back and getting better every day. That’s a lie, but I want SO BADLY for it to be true. Every day is still really hard and I’m more so repressing things than I am actually getting better). Two, the truth can be scary so we want to live in the lie (example: convincing myself that because I’m surrounded by family and friends I’m not a lonely person when in fact this is the loneliest I’ve felt in recent memory).
Finally, I think sometimes we are forced to lie to ourselves because we honestly don’t know the truth. I honestly don’t know if I’m ok. Some days I feel pretty strong and (somewhat) happy, and other days I want to just hide under my covers and let the world pass me by. Does this mean I’m ok? Does it mean I’m not?
I feel like this whole experience has given me some clarity on life. I’m trying to start a practice of actually asking myself if I’m being as honest as possible (I ask this mentally, so as to not walk around talking to myself and scaring little children). It’s been an interesting process. I now ask myself things like “do I actually enjoy talking to that guy who took my number on Saturday (in a friends-only sort of way), or do I just like the male attention?” These questions can be tough to ask, because they might force you to own up to some aspects of yourself that you aren’t wild about. However, becoming cognizant of these aspects also allows you to make corrections. It’s a tough and painful process, but I think (and desperately hope) that it will pay off someday.
Is there anyone out there who can empathize with me, or am I alone on the island of self-dishonesty?