We are never, ever, ever…

…getting back together.

I would like to thank T-Swift for the inspirational title to this post.  This song has been stuck in my head pretty much non-stop after what happened last night…

I know that one of my parents’ biggest fears is that my ex will finish rehab, come back to North Dakota, and convince me to get back together with him.  Well, rest assured parents (and blogging world), that is NOT going to happen.

I got a text from my ex (let’s call him C, shall we?) yesterday afternoon saying he’d finally talked to the local police and I needed to call him.  I called him after school and he told me that he was trying to provide info to the police so they could raid this house where he used to go to get high (and where the stuff that was stolen from me probably is).  I told him to do whatever he needed to do, but I don’t want to be involved with that world at all.

He then proceeded to say how these people stole so much from “us”…um, what exactly did they steal from you?  He thinks that if I hadn’t found all my stuff to be gone, we would still be together (even after he used meth for 1.5 years and lied about it).  I informed him that no, I was done before I saw I’d been burglarized.  Then he went on to say that it would be worth it to get “these people” off the street.  Again, hello?? You did the same shit they did/are doing!  As a last ditch effort to make me feel badly for him, he said, “Well, they made fun of me when I said I wanted to go get clean.”

WOW.  Cry me a f$%@!#* river!  At this moment I could clearly see he is NEVER going to get better.  He tries to tell me that he’s finally owning up to what he’s done so he can make a better life, but he’s not doing that at all.  He is still completely playing the victim and blaming everyone else for what happened.

I don’t fully understand addiction because I don’t suffer from it, but I have studied it in my psychology classes and know it is a disease.  However, he still needs to own up to the decisions he’s made.  All I’ve heard him do is blame these “friends,” blame me for being an enabler (yeah, I kind of flew off the handle at that one), blame his parents for his crappy childhood.  I told him that I can clearly see he still has this “woe is me” attitude and until he can stop victimizing himself, he will never be able to live a sober life.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, a part of it is definitely to get it off my chest and try to decompress a little bit (even after a crazy hour and a half at the gym I still have A LOT of anger bottled up).  But I also think it ties into my last post about letting go.  I cannot control what he did (especially because he hid it from me so I couldn’t help him) but I can also look back and realize my shortcomings.  There were definite red flags that I ignored, and there were definitely times when I should have been tougher on him (instead of just saying “sure, I’ll cover the full rent this month.  You’ve got a lot on your plate”).  All I can do is work on making me better and not dwell on what a bad person he is.

Addiction is awful.  I truly pity anyone who has to deal with it.  But I do think it is possible to live with this disease.  However, I don’t think C is at that place.  He acts like because he checked himself into rehab he’s all better.  He just doesn’t realize it’s soooo much more than that.  I want to be able to say and mean that I hope he figures it out and is able to live a happier life, but I’m just not there yet.  I am not a good enough person to be able to forgive him for everything he’s done after just 6 short weeks of finding it out.  I will someday (I have to, just for the sake of my own mental health), but for now I’ll just keep pouring my heart out on my blog.



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