Man, going to therapy is really shaking me up. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this introspective in my entire life.
As I mentioned the other day, I think I’m finally starting to move into the acceptance phase of everything that happened with my ex-fiancee. Since this is starting to happen, I’m realizing that I can stop focusing on recovering from that pain and shift focus to rediscovering myself.
Before I met C, I was a highly independent single woman who loved life. I was a pretty big flirt, but I had 0 desire to settle down. I was about to graduate from college and my life held seemingly endless possibilities. I wasn’t sure where I was going to end up or what I was going to do, and rather than terrifying me I was thrilled by the idea.
I think back to that girl and am amazed that I was ever like that. Being excited at the idea of a future of uncertainty? How?!?
I loved being C’s fiancee. I was sooo excited to be his wife. He was supposed to be my forever. Well, that obviously didn’t work out so well. I now find myself in a place I never thought I’d be in again (at least not for a looooooong time): single.
Part of me is scared that C crippled my ability to live again as a single lady. I was with him for 3 years, which I know isn’t that much time in the grand scheme of things but it’s almost 1/8 of my life so far. As much as I’m ashamed to admit this, as soon as I realized that things were truly over between us part of me began wondering where I could meet a new guy. I know how awful that sounds. I know full well that I am nowhere near emotionally ready for another relationship. I have trust issues beyond belief. But I’m lonely. I have great friends and family, but I miss having a significant other.
I hate watching myself type those words. I think back to the girl I used to be and know if she could read that she would be appalled. However, I’ve also come to realize that I will never be the same person I was before I met C. I’ve done too much, seen too much, felt too much to ever be able to completely go back. But that doesn’t me that I can’t be Single, New and Improved.
U-turns not allowed
I need to figure out what it means to be me. Not me, the girlfriend/fiancee of C. Just me. I have to learn to be true to myself and to love that person. I need to process what is authentic and shed the parts that aren’t.
The fear of being alone can be crippling. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel that. However, I know that before I truly love myself I will be useless at loving someone else. I honestly believe, deep in my heart, that someday I will shine as my true self and I will find someone who wants to be with me for the rest of my life. Perhaps this is wishful thinking. Perhaps it’s blind optimism. It very well may be. But if I can get to a place where I truly love the person that I am, will it matter?