Struggling

I’m having a hard time with things today guys.  My ex-fiancee (the one who moved out to California for drug rehab and is currently living out there in a halfway house) emailed me this morning.  I have blocked his phone number and deleted him off Facebook, not because I’m being petty but because it just hurts too much to talk to him.  Email is the only way for him to contact me.  Every once in a while he will abuse that and send me several emails per day, but I usually ignore these or keep my responses brief and he gets the hint.

Anyway, he emailed me today to tell me that he will hopefully be able to send me some money after April 1 because he will get paid from his new job.  He’s sending me money to try and help pay back some of the wedding expenses (which my parents and I had completely covered up to that point with no help from him) and some of the credit card debt he left me with on the card we had in both of our names.  I stupidly replied and asked what his new job is.  C’s true passion is construction management.  He loves building things and working with his hands, so when he told me he was working as a cook at Cafe Rio (I guess it’s like a Chipotle or Qdoba) it made me really sad.

I don’t want to feel like this right now.  I know a big part of what I’m feeling is pity.  How do you go from loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them to not caring about their hopes and dreams?  How am I supposed to not feel awful that he’s almost 25 and has nothing going for him in his life other than the fact that he’s 75 days clean?  I don’t even care about the money as much (thought it would be nice if he could help me out a little bit), but the whole situation just makes me really sad.

It was exactly 11 weeks ago that I officially ended the engagement.  I’m not dumb enough to think that all these feelings will go away in 11 weeks.  But they had been getting so much better.  Maybe it’s the fact that so many other things have been going on in my life that have taken my attention, but these last few weeks I found myself thinking less and less about C and about my lost future.  Then I have days like today, where I feel just as weak as I felt 10 weeks ago.  I’m sitting at my desk swallowing the lump in my throat and trying not to let my eyes fill with tears.  I think a big part of the problem is the fact that because of this stupid boot on my foot I haven’t ran since Monday, so I haven’t been getting my daily dose of endorphins.  But still, this sucks.

For those of you who have ended engagements and lived to tell the tale, when does it really start to get better?  How long before I don’t have days like today?

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2 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. You can not want to have a relationship with him AND still have emotions about what he is doing with his life. I have had no contact with my ex for about 3 years, but I still sometimes wonder how he is and feel sad about his (likely) lack of action in his life. You just can’t expect yourself to not care at all. You have to accept that you care and also that you have to move on – both are true and valid.

    Also – almost 25 is YOUNG. If he really takes treatment seriously, he will be able to have a full life. And truly, when people are in the beginning of sobriety, sometimes they are still fragile and having a low-pressure job can be a good thing while re-acclimating to life.

  2. Pingback: Release | Musings in the Midwest

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