While I was running the other day (I’m up to 6 miles in my training…we aren’t going to count the atrocious 4 mile run I struggled with yesterday) I was thinking about my life. I’ve known that I’ve been lonely since ending my engagement. That was no shock, and it shouldn’t be. I went from having a fiancee, someone who was always there (either physically or by phone/email/Gchat), to being single. I’ve mentioned before how I have an amazing support group of family and friends, but there was definitely a void left after I lost that intimate relationship.
During this run, I realized something else. I’m not anyone’s “first call.” What do I mean by first call? Think about it. If something really amazing happens to you or you get some really great news, who is the first person you would call to share? On the flip side, if something bad happens, who is the first person you want to talk to about it? Chances are this is probably the same person. For much of my friends and family, this person is probably their significant other. C used to be my first call, and I was his. Now my first call is probably my parents or my sister, and I’m pretty sure I am not anyone’s first call. This is an incredibly lonely thought.
I think we all want to feel loved and special. It’s been about 3.5 months since I ended my engagement. I’m probably not in a place where I’m ready to enter into another serious relationship, but part of me really wants to start dating again. I want to start trying to fill the void of lack of a significant other. I want to be someone’s first call again.
I know, I know…now I’m just being pitiful. But how adorbs is Stitch?
Don’t worry readers. I’m not going to be stupid and jump into a relationship with the wrong guy. The explosion and aftermath of what happened with C has made me a lot more wary of people and more selective about the men I get involved with. I just hope this new resolve lasts, because the loneliness is starting to take it’s toll. I want to be someone who can say that she’s perfectly happy being single and alone, but that’s just not me. I miss the companionship. I miss being loved (not as a daughter/sister/friend, but as a girlfriend). I miss caring for someone and being cared for. I miss being the first one to hear good or bad news.
We all know the old adage “love comes when you least expect it.” I think this means that instead of looking for love we need to work on loving ourselves, and when we get better at that we will find someone who loves us the way we are. I know I need to continue to work on making myself better before I will be ready to love again. Anybody have tips on how to make that road feel a little less lonely?