Top of the List

Yesterday I posted my top 10 list of things to do to fight back when life gets you down.  I have to share what happened to me last night that made me realize I left one of the most important things off the list.  This post is going to start with a story.  In this story Amy is bad and asks that her readers please don’t judge her.  The story has a good ending though, I promise.  Just stick with me.

So last night I was hanging out with my sister and she made some offhand comment about how one of C’s sisters had posted a picture of him and he looks like he’s getting fat.  Naturally, the evil and shallow part of me wanted to see said picture.  However, since I unfriended everyone associated with that life I could not see the picture.  This is where I get dumb.  I decided instead of just letting it go, I would log into his account.  I knew his old password and was surprised to see he hadn’t changed it since we’d broken up.  I promise I was just going to look at the picture and then log out.  When I logged in I saw he had a new message.  This is where I get dumber (please don’t judge me…it was a moment of extreme weakness).  It was from some girl, and I clicked on the message.  I scrolled up thru older messages and saw that in mid-March he was sending her messages saying things like “hey beautiful” and “just thinking about how cute and beautiful you are.”

I have no idea when these messages started.  I only made it to mid-March and had to close out because I was crying so hard.  I know I completely did this to myself, but I was so, so hurt.  He told me he wanted to stay together.  He said he still wanted to marry me.  He told me he would always love me.  Yet less than 3 months after we broke up he is saying all these things to someone else?  I was on my bathroom floor in a puddle of tears.

Ok.  That’s the end of the part where Amy is dumb.  Now comes the part where Amy remembers what she should’ve included on yesterday’s list.

I couldn’t deal with this on my own, so I sent out some texts that told the story to Jill (Notre Dame best friend), Mary (one of my high school best friends), Nikki (sister), Christian (a friend I met post-breakup) and my aunt (who is 17 years younger than my dad and 8 years older than me, so she’s more like my big sister).  Everyone responded within seconds, and they were amazing.  There was a lot of C bashing going on (“What a loser.  Thank God you dodged that bullet.”)  but there was also more helpful replies.  Several of my friends told me that he probably wasn’t over me, but this was a coping mechanism.  They all admitted to doing the same thing when they’ve been dumped in the past.  Christian gave me the male perspective and said that he’d “probably do the same thing as soon as I knew it was for sure over.  It’s easier to act like you’re interested in someone else than sitting around by yourself missing your ex.”  Jill assured me that she’d done something similar because a breakup made her feel worthless and she just wanted to be loved.  Mary reminded me that C’s got a lot of messed up issues and I’m so much stronger and deserve so much better.  In the end, they all convinced me that I wasn’t just a worthless person who can be forgotten in 2 months, and this is more of C trying to cope with the situation (which he is 100% entitled to do).

They were amazing.  Everyone I sent out cries for help to responded within minutes.  They all continued to send encouraging texts for hours, and one even FaceTimed me so he could see for himself that I was really ok.  As much as reading those messages sucked and hurt, the overwhelming love and support I felt afterward made it ok.

So that’s the item I left off my list–reaching out for support from those who love you.  It can be tough to do this sometimes.  I didn’t want to admit to my friends that I was THAT girl who had logged into her ex’s Facebook and read a message.  But trying to deal with that on my own would’ve been hell.  I don’t love C anymore and I don’t want to be with him, but it was still incredibly hard to see that he was trying to move on so quickly.  I felt unloved and tossed aside (even though I was the one who ended it).  My S.O.S. reminded me that neither of these things is true.  I still have people in my life who love me and will always be there for me.  It’s still a little tough to think about what I saw.  Whenever I feel the sadness creeping back in, I scroll through the text conversations from last night and remember that I will be ok.

It is hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong or stupid.  But it’s even harder to suffer in silence.  I need to add an amendment to yesterday’s post:

11.  Lean on a person (or people) who loves you.

It’s one thing to read motivational quotes on Pinterest, but it’s another thing entirely to hear someone say motivational things that are specifically about you.  Don’t be afraid to bring a little drama to your friends or family; they love you and want to do whatever they can to help you.  Suffering in silence helps no one.  Remember the old saying that “it takes a village”?  That doesn’t stop after childhood.  Humans are meant to be social creatures, so if you are having a hard time please reach out to those around you.  If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, reach out to me.  I’ve been through enough crap myself, I would always be happy to help 🙂

 

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