June 22

I made it.  The day I was supposed to be getting married has passed.  

I would be lying if I said it was totally easy to make it through, but I did it.  Overall I think I did pretty well.  I had a few breakdowns last week (like when I got emails confirming the rehearsal dinner or when I would hear a song that reminds me of C) but for the most part I was able to distract myself.  Yesterday wasn’t too bad either.  I really tried not to dwell on what could have been happening.  There were a couple of times when I looked at the clock and thought “It’s 9 a.m.  I would probably be getting my hair done now,” but I really tried not to do that.  

My cousin came to visit, and we spent the morning shopping and then went to lunch.  That provided a good distraction.  In the afternoon we went back to my apartment just to relax and nap.  If you are trying to distract yourself on your non-wedding day, I wouldn’t recommend doing this.  That’s when my mind started racing and I had my breakdown.  I sobbed for about an hour as I waited for my emotions to catch up with my logic.  Logically I know it is good that I wasn’t marrying C that day.  He’s a drug addict.  I don’t want that in my life.  However, it took my emotions some time to catch up.  After that breakdown we ordered Papa John’s (it was my non-wedding day, I got a free pass on calories) and then got fancied up and went out on the town.  A couple other friends met us out, drinks were had, poor decisions were made, but overall I actually had a lot of fun.

My friends and family have been amazing through this whole situation, and yesterday was no different.  The texts and calls started at 8:30 and didn’t stop all day.  It was kind of hard to have those reminders coming in all day, but it was also nice to know that I had so many people who were thinking of me.  I didn’t have to be strong on my own.

I’m just so glad the date has passed.  Now I feel like I can actually start putting this whole ordeal in the past.  Before, whenever I would tell someone what happened to me, I had to say that the wedding date hadn’t come yet.  I don’t have to say that anymore.  It’s over.  This whole ordeal is in my past.  My dad (who is currently in Puerto Rico with my mom and sister) texted me last night and said “It’s June 22 here.  You made it.”

I did make it.  Time to leave the past in the past and see what life has in store for me.  I’m going to make it great.

The Week From Hell

Well, it’s here.  The week that was supposed to be my wedding week.  I honestly, honestly thought this week wouldn’t be that hard.  It’s been almost 6 months since I called off the wedding.  I’ve got a new apartment, new job, and am dating again.  I’ve moved on.

I’m a day in and I couldn’t have been more wrong.  My sisters visited this weekend and that provided a good distraction, but as soon as they left I just fell apart.  I started to get it together but things keep happening that remind me of what was supposed to be going on this week.  Yesterday morning I woke up with an email from the hotel we were supposed to stay at on our wedding night that wanted to confirm the room.  The room had been cancelled, but a glitch in the system caused that email to go out.  Then today I got an email from the owner of the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was supposed to be wanting to confirm that.  C’s mom had taken care of that and apparently hadn’t called them to cancel.

I thought I would have it pulled together, but I don’t.  I can’t seem to make it more than an hour without crying.  Then I get frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be crying over that piece of crap anymore.  Logically I know that I dodged a huge bullet by not marrying him.  I know he wasn’t good for me.  I know my life would have been hell if I would have gone through with it and married him after I found out he’s a drug addict.  So it frustrates me that I’m having such a hard time this week.  Why??

Anyone have any suggestions on how to survive this week?

Release

I was a pretty big emotional wreck when I posted on Friday.  I wasn’t lying when I said that my friends helped me through that situation.  They really did.  But it still sucked.  Even after talking to them and remembering I am loved, I still had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Maybe it was left over from what I saw, or maybe it was a premonition of what was to come.

Yes, somehow Friday afternoon got worse.  Remember when I posted about C’s job working as a fast food cook and how he hoped to start sending me money in April?  Well, I need to pay the cancellation fee for our party bus and was hoping he could help with that, so I emailed him on Monday asking how he wanted to send me money.  He never replied, and I started to fear the worst (ever since everything happened a part of me is constantly worried about getting a call that tells me C either died of an overdose or committed suicide) so I texted his dad asking if everything was ok.  His dad finally replied to me on Friday, and from his cryptic response I immediately knew that C was using again.  I bluntly asked his dad, “Did he relapse?” and he replied that he did, but it only happened once.  I then asked if he was back in treatment and he said no, he doesn’t need to be because it only happened once.  I replied that maybe he doesn’t know the whole story, because when C first told me what happened he said that he had used once and wanted to get help before it got bad.  Only a little later did it come out that he’d been using for a year and a half.

I’m almost positive C is using again and needs to be back in treatment.  Whenever I needed to email him in the last few months, he always replied within an hour and always included how many days clean he was.  Now it’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard from him.  I’m afraid his parents are in denial, or they’ve just given up on him.  Either way, I have to let it go.  Nothing I can do or say will help.  I tried for almost 3 years to be enough for him so he wouldn’t have to turn to drugs, but it didn’t work.  So even though I desperately want to call C and try to talk some sense into him, I won’t do that.

I can see now how an addiction can rule someone’s life.  I see the situation so clearly with my non-addicted brain.  If I was doing something that caused my fiancee to leave me, caused me to lose my job and have to move somewhere where I have nothing, and caused my family so much pain and heartache, I would STOP doing that in a heartbeat.  I’m not an addict, so that is a choice I am free to make.  C just can’t do that.  Less than 3 months after meth took everything from him he used again.  From what I saw on his Facebook, he is surrounding himself with other junkies again.  I can clearly see that he is not taking steps to lead a drug-free life, but apparently he can’t.

Frustrating though this realization is, it is also helping me forgive him.  I’m finally starting to believe that he did his best with our relationship.  He didn’t mean to hurt me.  His brain just tells him that he needs the drugs above all else, regardless of who he hurts in the process.  He is a very messed up person with a lot of problems.  But without the drugs I truly believe he never would have hurt me as badly as he did.  I can finally accept that he did love me in the best way he could.  Unfortunately, his best just is not what I deserve.

I’m trying very hard to let everything go.  I’ve been asking my friends and family to either unfriend him on Facebook or hide his updates.  I don’t want another mention of something someone saw to send me down a spiral again.  It can’t be my job to try and protect his feelings any more.  I will continue to pray, and pray hard, that he is able to find peace and live with his addiction.  It used to be so hard to pray for him; it’s not hard anymore.  He was my first real love, and a part of me will always care about him and want him to be happy.  But I’m done trying to do things to help him find happiness.  I just need to ask God to take care of him and hope those prayers will be enough to overcome his problems.

So yes, Friday sucked.  I went home from school and cried my eyes out.  I followed my own advice and reached out to Jill, who promptly called me and helped calm me down.  Then I forced myself to run even though all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry.  It was through this phone call and this run that I realized all the things in this post.  Who knew I was so good at giving advice? 🙂

Readers, please pray for me that I can stay on this path to forgiveness.  I feel peaceful now, but I know it’s going to take a lot of strength to sustain.  And please pray for C.  I think he’s at a point where he needs as many prayers as he can possibly get.  I’ve heard statistics that say only 3% of people who use meth can overcome the addiction, so he needs as much help as possible.

Finally, as another symbol of letting go I sold my engagement ring yesterday.  Someone offered me cash for it, and I didn’t accept their offer because I told myself that I could get a better offer.  In truth, I realized I was just scared to sell it.  That was one of my most prized possessions for over 9 months.  It was a symbol of my love and of my future, and the idea of selling it was so final.  I knew I had to do it, so I did.  It’s gone.  I didn’t know the person I sold it to, so I will never see it again.  I will admit, it was really sad to do it.  But it was another necessary step on my path to healing.

We are never, ever, ever…

…getting back together.

I would like to thank T-Swift for the inspirational title to this post.  This song has been stuck in my head pretty much non-stop after what happened last night…

I know that one of my parents’ biggest fears is that my ex will finish rehab, come back to North Dakota, and convince me to get back together with him.  Well, rest assured parents (and blogging world), that is NOT going to happen.

I got a text from my ex (let’s call him C, shall we?) yesterday afternoon saying he’d finally talked to the local police and I needed to call him.  I called him after school and he told me that he was trying to provide info to the police so they could raid this house where he used to go to get high (and where the stuff that was stolen from me probably is).  I told him to do whatever he needed to do, but I don’t want to be involved with that world at all.

He then proceeded to say how these people stole so much from “us”…um, what exactly did they steal from you?  He thinks that if I hadn’t found all my stuff to be gone, we would still be together (even after he used meth for 1.5 years and lied about it).  I informed him that no, I was done before I saw I’d been burglarized.  Then he went on to say that it would be worth it to get “these people” off the street.  Again, hello?? You did the same shit they did/are doing!  As a last ditch effort to make me feel badly for him, he said, “Well, they made fun of me when I said I wanted to go get clean.”

WOW.  Cry me a f$%@!#* river!  At this moment I could clearly see he is NEVER going to get better.  He tries to tell me that he’s finally owning up to what he’s done so he can make a better life, but he’s not doing that at all.  He is still completely playing the victim and blaming everyone else for what happened.

I don’t fully understand addiction because I don’t suffer from it, but I have studied it in my psychology classes and know it is a disease.  However, he still needs to own up to the decisions he’s made.  All I’ve heard him do is blame these “friends,” blame me for being an enabler (yeah, I kind of flew off the handle at that one), blame his parents for his crappy childhood.  I told him that I can clearly see he still has this “woe is me” attitude and until he can stop victimizing himself, he will never be able to live a sober life.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, a part of it is definitely to get it off my chest and try to decompress a little bit (even after a crazy hour and a half at the gym I still have A LOT of anger bottled up).  But I also think it ties into my last post about letting go.  I cannot control what he did (especially because he hid it from me so I couldn’t help him) but I can also look back and realize my shortcomings.  There were definite red flags that I ignored, and there were definitely times when I should have been tougher on him (instead of just saying “sure, I’ll cover the full rent this month.  You’ve got a lot on your plate”).  All I can do is work on making me better and not dwell on what a bad person he is.

Addiction is awful.  I truly pity anyone who has to deal with it.  But I do think it is possible to live with this disease.  However, I don’t think C is at that place.  He acts like because he checked himself into rehab he’s all better.  He just doesn’t realize it’s soooo much more than that.  I want to be able to say and mean that I hope he figures it out and is able to live a happier life, but I’m just not there yet.  I am not a good enough person to be able to forgive him for everything he’s done after just 6 short weeks of finding it out.  I will someday (I have to, just for the sake of my own mental health), but for now I’ll just keep pouring my heart out on my blog.