Life as an Interloper

interloper (n): a person who becomes involved in a place or situation where they are not wanted or are considered not to belong.

I came to the stark realization last night that this is how I have been living my life for the past 3+ years.  Probably longer, in fact…likely since I graduated high school almost 7 years ago (what! How has it been that long??).  It’s not that felt like I didn’t belong at Notre Dame.  There were certainly times when I felt different than many of my classmates because I came from a much lower tax bracket than they did, but I never felt unwanted by the community.  However, I knew that was temporary.  I was only going to be there for 4 years.  Notre Dame wasn’t “home.”  I loved my friends, roommates, and the community, but I ALWAYS felt more at home when I went back to North Dakota.

After graduation I moved to Fargo to put in another 2 years of school to get my teaching license.  The feeling of being an interloper intensified.  I definitely felt like I didn’t belong at the school I was now attending.  I had just been through 4 years of rigorous academia with a class full of over-achievers at Notre Dame.  My new school was much less demanding, and that took some getting used to.  I was living in a pretty old apartment with a random roommate who I had very little in common with.  Yeah, definitely didn’t belong.

Even earlier this fall, when I started my first “grown-up job”, was engaged, and was living in my own (much nicer) apartment, life still didn’t feel quite right.  My passion is teaching, so I knew that being a media specialist was a temporary means to an end.  The apartment was a 1-bedroom, so I knew we wouldn’t be staying long after we were married (C had already been looking at houses).  Maybe deep down I knew the relationship with C was temporary as well.

All these feelings came to head last night as I was considering my life.  I feel the same way about my job, and I am interloping in my aunt’s house (is that a verb?  If not I just made it one).  But even after I move to the new apartment with my sister, it’s still a temporary situation.  We aren’t going to live there indefinitely.  Either she will want to live with someone else after this year, graduate, or move for pharmacy school, and then I will find another place to live.  

I was starting to get discouraged while thinking about this, but then I realized the big problem is my attitude.  There is nothing wrong with where I’m at in life.  Very few people step into their dream jobs and live in their dream homes the second after they graduate.  I realized I need to stop looking at my life as if it’s this temporary limbo and start enjoying the journey.  I don’t have an end goal in mind.  It’s not as if I have the perfect job, perfect man, perfect home in mind and once I achieve those things I’ll stop living.  Life is about constantly making yourself better and pushing yourself to your fullest potential.  If I keep thinking “oh this is temporary, don’t settle in because you’ll be moving on soon,” etc, I don’t think I will ever fully enjoy life.

I feel like I’ve said this about a million times on this blog, but it’s all about balance.  I want to keep moving forward and working towards my dreams, but I also want to be happy and enjoy my life in the present.  At the same time, I don’t want to get TOO comfortable and become complacent.  How does one balance all this?  

Does anyone else feel like they aren’t really living their “real life” right now?  They are just “getting through” this part so that eventually their real lives can start?  Am I making any sense?

The Pressure to be Profound

When I sat down to read the Fargo Forum this morning, this was what I saw on the front page:

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/426813/

I won’t go into too much detail since you can read the article if you would like, but basically it talks about this guy who spends his days doing all these awesome things like organizing service trips and bringing TEDx talks to Fargo.  He is only 29 years old.

This article really got me thinking.  It was inspiring to read about all these great things this man has accomplished, but it did make me feel somewhat unaccomplished in my own life.  I’m a pretty average (almost boring) person.  The two coolest things I’ve done in my life are probably going to college at Notre Dame (which was a big deal in my small hometown) and spending a semester in Europe.  Everything else about me is pretty average.  I want to be this rockin’ history teacher that changes kids’ lives, but I’m currently working as a media specialist.  I spend a few days each month teaching technology or research lessons for different teachers, but otherwise I have a lot of downtime that’s spent surfing the internet.  After school I usually have practice of some sort (I coach middle school volleyball and basketball) and then I go to the gym to train for a half marathon.  By the time I get home I’m pretty wiped out so I watch a little TV and go to bed.  My weekends are filled with catching up on sleep, more time at the gym, reading, and TV.

See what I mean?  I don’t have any cool hobbies.  I’m not a member of any interesting clubs or societies.  I don’t have a lot of friends in Fargo (my high school and college friends all live 3.5+ hours away) so I don’t have a crazy social life either.  I’m going to be 25 on Saturday.  I’m not sure if it’s the combo of the Forum article and this impending birthday, but something has got me wondering if I’m not doing enough with my life.

I started this blog because I missed updating my wedding planning blog and because I needed a release for all the emotions that were bombarding me after I broke off my engagement.  I’ve kind of gotten to the point where I feel like I need to write about something really deep, profound, and life-changing.  I’ve realized that in a few short weeks I’ve gone from logging in and pouring out whatever emotions I’m dealing with to spending hours considering what I’m going to write about and calculating the meaning of every word and sentence.

 I can’t decide if this pressure to be profound (whether in something simple like my blog or something bigger like changing the world with my life) is societal or just a pressure that I place on myself.  Either way, I need to get over it.  I’m not complacent, but I can honestly say I’m pretty content with my life right now.  I definitely want more (get to a more satisfying place in my career, move to a nicer place, have a happy and healthy relationship with a good man, etc) but I don’t go home every night hating my life.  I know it doesn’t help me at all to compare myself to others when the comparison just leaves me with feelings of inferiority.  

I’m realizing life is all about balance in many different areas.  This is no different.  How does one feel happy about where s/he is in life without getting complacent and not striving for more?  How does one look at others’ accomplishments to get inspired without feeling inferior/guilty for not doing more with his/her own life?  How does one know what is “enough” and what either pushes one too far or sells one short.  

Does anyone else feel this pressure?  Any suggestions on how to deal with it?