The Week From Hell

Well, it’s here.  The week that was supposed to be my wedding week.  I honestly, honestly thought this week wouldn’t be that hard.  It’s been almost 6 months since I called off the wedding.  I’ve got a new apartment, new job, and am dating again.  I’ve moved on.

I’m a day in and I couldn’t have been more wrong.  My sisters visited this weekend and that provided a good distraction, but as soon as they left I just fell apart.  I started to get it together but things keep happening that remind me of what was supposed to be going on this week.  Yesterday morning I woke up with an email from the hotel we were supposed to stay at on our wedding night that wanted to confirm the room.  The room had been cancelled, but a glitch in the system caused that email to go out.  Then today I got an email from the owner of the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was supposed to be wanting to confirm that.  C’s mom had taken care of that and apparently hadn’t called them to cancel.

I thought I would have it pulled together, but I don’t.  I can’t seem to make it more than an hour without crying.  Then I get frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be crying over that piece of crap anymore.  Logically I know that I dodged a huge bullet by not marrying him.  I know he wasn’t good for me.  I know my life would have been hell if I would have gone through with it and married him after I found out he’s a drug addict.  So it frustrates me that I’m having such a hard time this week.  Why??

Anyone have any suggestions on how to survive this week?

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Daydream Believer

Ok, technically this post isn’t about a daydream.  That song has just been in my head this morning, and it kind of works for this post. Anyway.

So last night I watched the final movie in the Twilight series (judge me if you wish; FX played the series the other day and I watched 2 of them so naturally I had to finish).  I went to bed and then had a dream that I started dating Edward Cullen.  He loved me as much as his character loves Bella in the movie.  Then all the sudden the ex-fiancee C returned and wanted to get back together.  We started kissing, Edward found out (cuz he can hear thoughts, remember?), and he came and killed C and we rode off into the sunset.  Then I woke up.

Generally I am not one to analyze my dreams.  This is due in large part to the fact that I usually dream really, really random stuff.  Freud would love to have me as a patient.  But this dream was pretty normal (well, the vampire thing isn’t but I’m gonna blame that one on Twilight) and the messages are pretty clear.  They are also somewhat concerning to me.

The first thing this dream suggests to me is that I’m still desperately lusting after true love.  I think there are few people in this world who don’t want to find great love.  But I have a problem of being too obsessed with the idea (and with the fear of being alone).  I’ve tried to tell myself a million times, whether in my own head or on my blog, that I need to spend time focused on figuring out who I am and loving that person.  I need to revel in the fact that I am a child of God who is infinitely loved and not be so concerned about finding spousal love.  I’ve even tried to kid myself into thinking that I’m achieving these goals, when in reality I’m not.  I’m not happy being alone and I’m borderline-desperate to find someone (if dreaming about being loved by a vampire who kills one’s exes doesn’t suggest desperation, I’m not sure what does).  I don’t want to be this way, but it’s been 4.5 months since I ended my engagement and I still haven’t figured out how to stop.

The second message is pretty clear as well.  Right after I found everything out about C I had multiple dreams about him dying (and to be honest, it was usually ex-boyfriends who killed him.  I guess I like the idea of a knight in shining armor protecting me).  I haven’t had a dream like this in a looooong time.  I do think it is significant that this time it was a “new” love who killed him.  I think it’s pretty clear that the fact that he died (again) shows I still have some anger towards him.  I also think him being killed by a new love means that I don’t think I’ll truly be over him until I find someone else to replace him.  I’m not ok with either of these ideas.  I don’t want to be angry anymore.  I don’t have room or energy in my life to hang on to negative emotions.  I also don’t want to be someone who needs a man to be ok with herself.  I’ve clearly got some things to work on.

You may think I’m totally crazy for reading into a dream like this.  I don’t necessarily blame you.  However, even if I just randomly had this dream after watching Twilight, it still got me thinking about lingering issues I have.  It’s not like I had this dream and went searching for meaning behind every word and image.  It just forced me to be honest with myself about some things I had been burying.  That’s a good thing, right?  And more importantly, how do I conquer these issues?

Half marathon countdown:  2 days, 21 hours, 38 minutes

Aaaaaand We’re Back!

I’m back for my first real post in almost 3 weeks!  I had to double-check that, because it doesn’t seem like it can possibly be that long since I posted, but it’s true.  Life has been absolutely crazy these past few weeks, but I’ll try to be brief and get myself caught up.

I was in Pittsburgh from April 21-25 for the NCEA National Convention.  I went with two other teachers from the Catholic elementary schools in Fargo.  I hadn’t met either teacher beforehand, but we got along really well and had an amazing week.

Displaying photo1.jpg

The three teachers at a Pirates game

The conference was wonderful as well.  I attended some incredible speakers and got a ton of great resources that I will be able to use as I transition to the 6th grade classroom next year.  Plus, it was a much-needed break from life in Fargo.  Next year the NCEA convention is in Orlando, and I’m really really hoping my principal asks me if I want to go again!

I came back from Pittsburgh, was at school for two days, and then left again as a chaperone on the junior class retreat.  We went out to a campground on Pelican Lake in Minnesota.  I didn’t know what to expect on the retreat because they had asked me to come along only 5 days before we left, so I didn’t have much time to prepare.  The retreat was another amazing experience.  It was definitely about the juniors and helping prepare them to lead the school next year, but the chaperones got a lot out of it too.  This was another event that I hope to be asked back to.

We got back from the retreat on Thursday afternoon.  I was in Fargo for approximately 24 hours before we took off for Rochester, MN for my cousin’s wedding.  That’s about a 4.5 hour drive from Fargo.  I was pretty exhausted before we even left, but I wanted to go support my cousin and see my family.

Displaying photo2.jpgDolled up for the wedding with my cousin, brother’s girlfriend, and sister

I won’t lie, I was not excited for this wedding.  It’s the first one I attended since breaking off my own engagement.  I was supposed to be at this wedding crazy excited to get married myself in 50 days, and instead I was hoping to be able to get through the day without breaking down.  

I would be lying if I said it was easy.  There were several moments during the ceremony when I forced my mind to wander so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed by what was happening.  This was also the first time I had seen several family members since everything happened, so they asked how I was doing and wanted to talk about the very things I was trying not to think about.  I got through the ceremony, dinner, and toasts, and when the dance started I was fine.  It was good to dance with my cousins and just have fun.  Hopefully now that the first wedding is out of the way things will get easier, since I have 3 more to go to in the next 6 months.

I’m finally back in Fargo for a few weeks, but that doesn’t mean life is any less busy.  We have 14 school days left (!!!) so things are getting crazy.  On top of that, this Saturday is D-Day (aka, the day of the half marathon).  I have no idea if I’m ready.  My longest training run was 10.17 miles (ran last Tuesday).  I’m hopeful, because that’s over 2 miles longer than the longest runs I did before that 2 other half marathons that I’ve done.  I think this race is going to be a mental thing for me–I’m pretty sure my body can do it, so long as I don’t psych myself out.  As I was nearing the end of my 10-mile run, I thought to myself “at this point next Saturday, I will still have a 5k to run.”  I started feeling desperate and panicky.  That’s exactly the type of crap I need to NOT do on race day.  I need to just make up my mind that I’m going to do it.  After everything I’ve lived through these past few months, I can run for 2 hours (my time goal is 2:15–about 10:18 min/miles).  And I want the feeling of pride after I’ve crossed the finish line and know I did it.  I want that badly.  I’m trying to spend a lot of my time this week visualizing it.  That was a piece of advice I was given back when I did Weight Watchers–instead of focusing on the pain of what you are going through, visualize how good it will feel when you finish.  Hopefully that applies in half marathons too.

This post didn’t really serve any purpose other than to catch up on where I’ve been the last few weeks and explain why I’ve been neglecting you.  My mind is pretty focused on the half this week, so that’s probably all I’ll be talking about.  Hopefully next week I’ll be exciting and interesting again (I AM exciting and interesting sometimes, right?)!

Half marathon countdown–4 days, 16 hours, 43 minutes (thanks to the Fargo Marathon app I downloaded this morning)

Struggling

I’m having a hard time with things today guys.  My ex-fiancee (the one who moved out to California for drug rehab and is currently living out there in a halfway house) emailed me this morning.  I have blocked his phone number and deleted him off Facebook, not because I’m being petty but because it just hurts too much to talk to him.  Email is the only way for him to contact me.  Every once in a while he will abuse that and send me several emails per day, but I usually ignore these or keep my responses brief and he gets the hint.

Anyway, he emailed me today to tell me that he will hopefully be able to send me some money after April 1 because he will get paid from his new job.  He’s sending me money to try and help pay back some of the wedding expenses (which my parents and I had completely covered up to that point with no help from him) and some of the credit card debt he left me with on the card we had in both of our names.  I stupidly replied and asked what his new job is.  C’s true passion is construction management.  He loves building things and working with his hands, so when he told me he was working as a cook at Cafe Rio (I guess it’s like a Chipotle or Qdoba) it made me really sad.

I don’t want to feel like this right now.  I know a big part of what I’m feeling is pity.  How do you go from loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them to not caring about their hopes and dreams?  How am I supposed to not feel awful that he’s almost 25 and has nothing going for him in his life other than the fact that he’s 75 days clean?  I don’t even care about the money as much (thought it would be nice if he could help me out a little bit), but the whole situation just makes me really sad.

It was exactly 11 weeks ago that I officially ended the engagement.  I’m not dumb enough to think that all these feelings will go away in 11 weeks.  But they had been getting so much better.  Maybe it’s the fact that so many other things have been going on in my life that have taken my attention, but these last few weeks I found myself thinking less and less about C and about my lost future.  Then I have days like today, where I feel just as weak as I felt 10 weeks ago.  I’m sitting at my desk swallowing the lump in my throat and trying not to let my eyes fill with tears.  I think a big part of the problem is the fact that because of this stupid boot on my foot I haven’t ran since Monday, so I haven’t been getting my daily dose of endorphins.  But still, this sucks.

For those of you who have ended engagements and lived to tell the tale, when does it really start to get better?  How long before I don’t have days like today?