I’m Really Bad at Keeping Promises

It seems like my last 4 posts have all started with “I know I’ve been horrible at keeping this updated but I’ll get better…”  I clearly fail at keeping this promise.  It was much easier last year when my job was much more low-key and I had a lot of free time during the day.  Now, between teaching and coaching I am busy basically every day from 7:30-5 or later.  Not a lot of extra time for blogging!

Not surprisingly, I’m back because I’m dealing with hurt again.  Things officially ended with A  yesterday.  Things were STILL moving at a snail’s pace after 4 months of hanging out, so yesterday I needed to get some answers.  It all boiled down to him saying “I think we need to work on getting to know each other and being friends.  I don’t see a relationship continuing at this point, but who knows in the future?”

I had been given similar statements before.  Almost 2 months ago I asked where we were, and he said he definitely sees potential and just wants to take it slow and do it right.  I saw that as a sign of hope and promise.  The fact that I am still getting the same stuff 2 months later tells me it’s time to be done.  At first I almost said ok to his suggestion, but I’m trying to be strong and do what I know in my head is best for me.

Guys, it SUCKS.  He ended the conversation by saying “I’m really sorry we are on such different wavelengths.  This really sucks.”  Pretty much everything I was worried about happened if I allowed myself to become vulnerable happened.  He just didn’t reciprocate my feelings.  I can’t fault him for that.  Sure, I’m annoyed that he led me on, but it’s not his fault he doesn’t share my feelings.  Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.  I spent the evening heading down the spiral of all kinds of self-doubt.  What if I was prettier/thinner/funnier/cooler, would things be different?  What is wrong with me that he didn’t feel everything that I did?

Even though this wasn’t an official break-up since we weren’t officially dating, it’s still hard.  We’ve spent the last 4 months hanging out.  We would text and Snapchat every single day.  There are a lot of things that remind me of him and it’s tough.  In my break-up with C I was just so hurt and angry that it was easy to wipe all signs of our life together away.  It’s not quite as easy with A.

Every part of my being wants to text A and talk about how hard this is.  It feels a little like New Girl episode when Nick and Jess break up.  No, I don’t live with A but he was the one I would talk to whenever I was having a tough day and now that’s gone.  So far I’ve been able to hold out and be strong (ok, I did send one Snapchat last night o_o) and I just hope that can continue.

I’m just trying to focus on me and surrounding myself with my friends.  It’s sucky that all my best friends live so far away, but I’m trying to make plans to visit them.  I’m also working on the few friendships and I do have in Fargo and taking a break from boys for a little while.  Even though this sucks, at least I know C didn’t ruin me forever and I can still have romantic feelings.for someone.  I’m just trying to look for any silver lining I can.  In the meantime, you can find me indulging in lots of chocolate and Christmas movies.

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Time Marches On

Wow I am really bad at keeping a blog during the summer. It’s kind of ironic, because I definitely have a lot more free time than I do during the school year. I think the problem is that my life is actually kind of boring during the summer months. I spent most of the month of June working and taking online classes, and during July I’ve been working and have actually gone home a few times to visit my family. Nothing super blogworthy.

I have also been maintaining a fairly steady dating life. I think last time I blogged about this I was talking about Mr. Chivalrous. That kind of fizzled before it even got going. I was a little bummed at first, but now it is NBD. I’ve gone out with a couple different guys and met someone who I am pretty excited about but I think I’m going to refrain from sharing too many details (call me superstitious but did I jinx things before?). I promise, I will keep you updated on how things play out with that situation (I do have a good story involving How I Met Your Mother and me drinking way too much, but like I said, I’m going to withhold details for the time being).

As far as things with C, I’m really starting to feel a distance from all of that. I think the wedding date being past was a major help. Before, I could talk about how much I was healing but I still had that speed bump to get through. Now the whole thing really is behind me. Before, when I met someone new I felt like I had to reveal that story almost immediately. I don’t feel that need for immediacy as much anymore. I also don’t feel the need to share as many of the gory details. All the new guy knows is that I was engaged, found out he was using meth, and dumped his sorry ass. Maybe if things progress I will tell him about the robbery and how awful the breakup was, but I don’t feel a need to now. It’s like those gory details used to be such a big part of who I was as a person that I couldn’t not share them. Now I’m starting to feel as if they were a huge part of someone I used to be, but I’m starting a new chapter so they are only a little part of what has made me the person I am today.

It’s funny, it’s been almost 6 months since I started this blog. I’m really glad I did it because I now have a chronicle of my survival of the worst breakup of my life. When I started the blog, I was having a tough time imagining the future. Every day was so painful to try and get through. I didn’t know if I would ever get to a place where I am now. I’m not going to sit here and say I’m completely healed and totally over the whole situation, but I’m sure as hell a lot better than I was before. And it feels pretty great to have gotten here.

June 22

I made it.  The day I was supposed to be getting married has passed.  

I would be lying if I said it was totally easy to make it through, but I did it.  Overall I think I did pretty well.  I had a few breakdowns last week (like when I got emails confirming the rehearsal dinner or when I would hear a song that reminds me of C) but for the most part I was able to distract myself.  Yesterday wasn’t too bad either.  I really tried not to dwell on what could have been happening.  There were a couple of times when I looked at the clock and thought “It’s 9 a.m.  I would probably be getting my hair done now,” but I really tried not to do that.  

My cousin came to visit, and we spent the morning shopping and then went to lunch.  That provided a good distraction.  In the afternoon we went back to my apartment just to relax and nap.  If you are trying to distract yourself on your non-wedding day, I wouldn’t recommend doing this.  That’s when my mind started racing and I had my breakdown.  I sobbed for about an hour as I waited for my emotions to catch up with my logic.  Logically I know it is good that I wasn’t marrying C that day.  He’s a drug addict.  I don’t want that in my life.  However, it took my emotions some time to catch up.  After that breakdown we ordered Papa John’s (it was my non-wedding day, I got a free pass on calories) and then got fancied up and went out on the town.  A couple other friends met us out, drinks were had, poor decisions were made, but overall I actually had a lot of fun.

My friends and family have been amazing through this whole situation, and yesterday was no different.  The texts and calls started at 8:30 and didn’t stop all day.  It was kind of hard to have those reminders coming in all day, but it was also nice to know that I had so many people who were thinking of me.  I didn’t have to be strong on my own.

I’m just so glad the date has passed.  Now I feel like I can actually start putting this whole ordeal in the past.  Before, whenever I would tell someone what happened to me, I had to say that the wedding date hadn’t come yet.  I don’t have to say that anymore.  It’s over.  This whole ordeal is in my past.  My dad (who is currently in Puerto Rico with my mom and sister) texted me last night and said “It’s June 22 here.  You made it.”

I did make it.  Time to leave the past in the past and see what life has in store for me.  I’m going to make it great.

Release

I was a pretty big emotional wreck when I posted on Friday.  I wasn’t lying when I said that my friends helped me through that situation.  They really did.  But it still sucked.  Even after talking to them and remembering I am loved, I still had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Maybe it was left over from what I saw, or maybe it was a premonition of what was to come.

Yes, somehow Friday afternoon got worse.  Remember when I posted about C’s job working as a fast food cook and how he hoped to start sending me money in April?  Well, I need to pay the cancellation fee for our party bus and was hoping he could help with that, so I emailed him on Monday asking how he wanted to send me money.  He never replied, and I started to fear the worst (ever since everything happened a part of me is constantly worried about getting a call that tells me C either died of an overdose or committed suicide) so I texted his dad asking if everything was ok.  His dad finally replied to me on Friday, and from his cryptic response I immediately knew that C was using again.  I bluntly asked his dad, “Did he relapse?” and he replied that he did, but it only happened once.  I then asked if he was back in treatment and he said no, he doesn’t need to be because it only happened once.  I replied that maybe he doesn’t know the whole story, because when C first told me what happened he said that he had used once and wanted to get help before it got bad.  Only a little later did it come out that he’d been using for a year and a half.

I’m almost positive C is using again and needs to be back in treatment.  Whenever I needed to email him in the last few months, he always replied within an hour and always included how many days clean he was.  Now it’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard from him.  I’m afraid his parents are in denial, or they’ve just given up on him.  Either way, I have to let it go.  Nothing I can do or say will help.  I tried for almost 3 years to be enough for him so he wouldn’t have to turn to drugs, but it didn’t work.  So even though I desperately want to call C and try to talk some sense into him, I won’t do that.

I can see now how an addiction can rule someone’s life.  I see the situation so clearly with my non-addicted brain.  If I was doing something that caused my fiancee to leave me, caused me to lose my job and have to move somewhere where I have nothing, and caused my family so much pain and heartache, I would STOP doing that in a heartbeat.  I’m not an addict, so that is a choice I am free to make.  C just can’t do that.  Less than 3 months after meth took everything from him he used again.  From what I saw on his Facebook, he is surrounding himself with other junkies again.  I can clearly see that he is not taking steps to lead a drug-free life, but apparently he can’t.

Frustrating though this realization is, it is also helping me forgive him.  I’m finally starting to believe that he did his best with our relationship.  He didn’t mean to hurt me.  His brain just tells him that he needs the drugs above all else, regardless of who he hurts in the process.  He is a very messed up person with a lot of problems.  But without the drugs I truly believe he never would have hurt me as badly as he did.  I can finally accept that he did love me in the best way he could.  Unfortunately, his best just is not what I deserve.

I’m trying very hard to let everything go.  I’ve been asking my friends and family to either unfriend him on Facebook or hide his updates.  I don’t want another mention of something someone saw to send me down a spiral again.  It can’t be my job to try and protect his feelings any more.  I will continue to pray, and pray hard, that he is able to find peace and live with his addiction.  It used to be so hard to pray for him; it’s not hard anymore.  He was my first real love, and a part of me will always care about him and want him to be happy.  But I’m done trying to do things to help him find happiness.  I just need to ask God to take care of him and hope those prayers will be enough to overcome his problems.

So yes, Friday sucked.  I went home from school and cried my eyes out.  I followed my own advice and reached out to Jill, who promptly called me and helped calm me down.  Then I forced myself to run even though all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry.  It was through this phone call and this run that I realized all the things in this post.  Who knew I was so good at giving advice? 🙂

Readers, please pray for me that I can stay on this path to forgiveness.  I feel peaceful now, but I know it’s going to take a lot of strength to sustain.  And please pray for C.  I think he’s at a point where he needs as many prayers as he can possibly get.  I’ve heard statistics that say only 3% of people who use meth can overcome the addiction, so he needs as much help as possible.

Finally, as another symbol of letting go I sold my engagement ring yesterday.  Someone offered me cash for it, and I didn’t accept their offer because I told myself that I could get a better offer.  In truth, I realized I was just scared to sell it.  That was one of my most prized possessions for over 9 months.  It was a symbol of my love and of my future, and the idea of selling it was so final.  I knew I had to do it, so I did.  It’s gone.  I didn’t know the person I sold it to, so I will never see it again.  I will admit, it was really sad to do it.  But it was another necessary step on my path to healing.

Top of the List

Yesterday I posted my top 10 list of things to do to fight back when life gets you down.  I have to share what happened to me last night that made me realize I left one of the most important things off the list.  This post is going to start with a story.  In this story Amy is bad and asks that her readers please don’t judge her.  The story has a good ending though, I promise.  Just stick with me.

So last night I was hanging out with my sister and she made some offhand comment about how one of C’s sisters had posted a picture of him and he looks like he’s getting fat.  Naturally, the evil and shallow part of me wanted to see said picture.  However, since I unfriended everyone associated with that life I could not see the picture.  This is where I get dumb.  I decided instead of just letting it go, I would log into his account.  I knew his old password and was surprised to see he hadn’t changed it since we’d broken up.  I promise I was just going to look at the picture and then log out.  When I logged in I saw he had a new message.  This is where I get dumber (please don’t judge me…it was a moment of extreme weakness).  It was from some girl, and I clicked on the message.  I scrolled up thru older messages and saw that in mid-March he was sending her messages saying things like “hey beautiful” and “just thinking about how cute and beautiful you are.”

I have no idea when these messages started.  I only made it to mid-March and had to close out because I was crying so hard.  I know I completely did this to myself, but I was so, so hurt.  He told me he wanted to stay together.  He said he still wanted to marry me.  He told me he would always love me.  Yet less than 3 months after we broke up he is saying all these things to someone else?  I was on my bathroom floor in a puddle of tears.

Ok.  That’s the end of the part where Amy is dumb.  Now comes the part where Amy remembers what she should’ve included on yesterday’s list.

I couldn’t deal with this on my own, so I sent out some texts that told the story to Jill (Notre Dame best friend), Mary (one of my high school best friends), Nikki (sister), Christian (a friend I met post-breakup) and my aunt (who is 17 years younger than my dad and 8 years older than me, so she’s more like my big sister).  Everyone responded within seconds, and they were amazing.  There was a lot of C bashing going on (“What a loser.  Thank God you dodged that bullet.”)  but there was also more helpful replies.  Several of my friends told me that he probably wasn’t over me, but this was a coping mechanism.  They all admitted to doing the same thing when they’ve been dumped in the past.  Christian gave me the male perspective and said that he’d “probably do the same thing as soon as I knew it was for sure over.  It’s easier to act like you’re interested in someone else than sitting around by yourself missing your ex.”  Jill assured me that she’d done something similar because a breakup made her feel worthless and she just wanted to be loved.  Mary reminded me that C’s got a lot of messed up issues and I’m so much stronger and deserve so much better.  In the end, they all convinced me that I wasn’t just a worthless person who can be forgotten in 2 months, and this is more of C trying to cope with the situation (which he is 100% entitled to do).

They were amazing.  Everyone I sent out cries for help to responded within minutes.  They all continued to send encouraging texts for hours, and one even FaceTimed me so he could see for himself that I was really ok.  As much as reading those messages sucked and hurt, the overwhelming love and support I felt afterward made it ok.

So that’s the item I left off my list–reaching out for support from those who love you.  It can be tough to do this sometimes.  I didn’t want to admit to my friends that I was THAT girl who had logged into her ex’s Facebook and read a message.  But trying to deal with that on my own would’ve been hell.  I don’t love C anymore and I don’t want to be with him, but it was still incredibly hard to see that he was trying to move on so quickly.  I felt unloved and tossed aside (even though I was the one who ended it).  My S.O.S. reminded me that neither of these things is true.  I still have people in my life who love me and will always be there for me.  It’s still a little tough to think about what I saw.  Whenever I feel the sadness creeping back in, I scroll through the text conversations from last night and remember that I will be ok.

It is hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong or stupid.  But it’s even harder to suffer in silence.  I need to add an amendment to yesterday’s post:

11.  Lean on a person (or people) who loves you.

It’s one thing to read motivational quotes on Pinterest, but it’s another thing entirely to hear someone say motivational things that are specifically about you.  Don’t be afraid to bring a little drama to your friends or family; they love you and want to do whatever they can to help you.  Suffering in silence helps no one.  Remember the old saying that “it takes a village”?  That doesn’t stop after childhood.  Humans are meant to be social creatures, so if you are having a hard time please reach out to those around you.  If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, reach out to me.  I’ve been through enough crap myself, I would always be happy to help 🙂