It seems like my last 4 posts have all started with “I know I’ve been horrible at keeping this updated but I’ll get better…” I clearly fail at keeping this promise. It was much easier last year when my job was much more low-key and I had a lot of free time during the day. Now, between teaching and coaching I am busy basically every day from 7:30-5 or later. Not a lot of extra time for blogging!
Not surprisingly, I’m back because I’m dealing with hurt again. Things officially ended with A yesterday. Things were STILL moving at a snail’s pace after 4 months of hanging out, so yesterday I needed to get some answers. It all boiled down to him saying “I think we need to work on getting to know each other and being friends. I don’t see a relationship continuing at this point, but who knows in the future?”
I had been given similar statements before. Almost 2 months ago I asked where we were, and he said he definitely sees potential and just wants to take it slow and do it right. I saw that as a sign of hope and promise. The fact that I am still getting the same stuff 2 months later tells me it’s time to be done. At first I almost said ok to his suggestion, but I’m trying to be strong and do what I know in my head is best for me.
Guys, it SUCKS. He ended the conversation by saying “I’m really sorry we are on such different wavelengths. This really sucks.” Pretty much everything I was worried about happened if I allowed myself to become vulnerable happened. He just didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I can’t fault him for that. Sure, I’m annoyed that he led me on, but it’s not his fault he doesn’t share my feelings. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I spent the evening heading down the spiral of all kinds of self-doubt. What if I was prettier/thinner/funnier/cooler, would things be different? What is wrong with me that he didn’t feel everything that I did?
Even though this wasn’t an official break-up since we weren’t officially dating, it’s still hard. We’ve spent the last 4 months hanging out. We would text and Snapchat every single day. There are a lot of things that remind me of him and it’s tough. In my break-up with C I was just so hurt and angry that it was easy to wipe all signs of our life together away. It’s not quite as easy with A.
Every part of my being wants to text A and talk about how hard this is. It feels a little like New Girl episode when Nick and Jess break up. No, I don’t live with A but he was the one I would talk to whenever I was having a tough day and now that’s gone. So far I’ve been able to hold out and be strong (ok, I did send one Snapchat last night o_o) and I just hope that can continue.
I’m just trying to focus on me and surrounding myself with my friends. It’s sucky that all my best friends live so far away, but I’m trying to make plans to visit them. I’m also working on the few friendships and I do have in Fargo and taking a break from boys for a little while. Even though this sucks, at least I know C didn’t ruin me forever and I can still have romantic feelings.for someone. I’m just trying to look for any silver lining I can. In the meantime, you can find me indulging in lots of chocolate and Christmas movies.