Daydream Believer

Ok, technically this post isn’t about a daydream.  That song has just been in my head this morning, and it kind of works for this post. Anyway.

So last night I watched the final movie in the Twilight series (judge me if you wish; FX played the series the other day and I watched 2 of them so naturally I had to finish).  I went to bed and then had a dream that I started dating Edward Cullen.  He loved me as much as his character loves Bella in the movie.  Then all the sudden the ex-fiancee C returned and wanted to get back together.  We started kissing, Edward found out (cuz he can hear thoughts, remember?), and he came and killed C and we rode off into the sunset.  Then I woke up.

Generally I am not one to analyze my dreams.  This is due in large part to the fact that I usually dream really, really random stuff.  Freud would love to have me as a patient.  But this dream was pretty normal (well, the vampire thing isn’t but I’m gonna blame that one on Twilight) and the messages are pretty clear.  They are also somewhat concerning to me.

The first thing this dream suggests to me is that I’m still desperately lusting after true love.  I think there are few people in this world who don’t want to find great love.  But I have a problem of being too obsessed with the idea (and with the fear of being alone).  I’ve tried to tell myself a million times, whether in my own head or on my blog, that I need to spend time focused on figuring out who I am and loving that person.  I need to revel in the fact that I am a child of God who is infinitely loved and not be so concerned about finding spousal love.  I’ve even tried to kid myself into thinking that I’m achieving these goals, when in reality I’m not.  I’m not happy being alone and I’m borderline-desperate to find someone (if dreaming about being loved by a vampire who kills one’s exes doesn’t suggest desperation, I’m not sure what does).  I don’t want to be this way, but it’s been 4.5 months since I ended my engagement and I still haven’t figured out how to stop.

The second message is pretty clear as well.  Right after I found everything out about C I had multiple dreams about him dying (and to be honest, it was usually ex-boyfriends who killed him.  I guess I like the idea of a knight in shining armor protecting me).  I haven’t had a dream like this in a looooong time.  I do think it is significant that this time it was a “new” love who killed him.  I think it’s pretty clear that the fact that he died (again) shows I still have some anger towards him.  I also think him being killed by a new love means that I don’t think I’ll truly be over him until I find someone else to replace him.  I’m not ok with either of these ideas.  I don’t want to be angry anymore.  I don’t have room or energy in my life to hang on to negative emotions.  I also don’t want to be someone who needs a man to be ok with herself.  I’ve clearly got some things to work on.

You may think I’m totally crazy for reading into a dream like this.  I don’t necessarily blame you.  However, even if I just randomly had this dream after watching Twilight, it still got me thinking about lingering issues I have.  It’s not like I had this dream and went searching for meaning behind every word and image.  It just forced me to be honest with myself about some things I had been burying.  That’s a good thing, right?  And more importantly, how do I conquer these issues?

Half marathon countdown:  2 days, 21 hours, 38 minutes

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Top of the List

Yesterday I posted my top 10 list of things to do to fight back when life gets you down.  I have to share what happened to me last night that made me realize I left one of the most important things off the list.  This post is going to start with a story.  In this story Amy is bad and asks that her readers please don’t judge her.  The story has a good ending though, I promise.  Just stick with me.

So last night I was hanging out with my sister and she made some offhand comment about how one of C’s sisters had posted a picture of him and he looks like he’s getting fat.  Naturally, the evil and shallow part of me wanted to see said picture.  However, since I unfriended everyone associated with that life I could not see the picture.  This is where I get dumb.  I decided instead of just letting it go, I would log into his account.  I knew his old password and was surprised to see he hadn’t changed it since we’d broken up.  I promise I was just going to look at the picture and then log out.  When I logged in I saw he had a new message.  This is where I get dumber (please don’t judge me…it was a moment of extreme weakness).  It was from some girl, and I clicked on the message.  I scrolled up thru older messages and saw that in mid-March he was sending her messages saying things like “hey beautiful” and “just thinking about how cute and beautiful you are.”

I have no idea when these messages started.  I only made it to mid-March and had to close out because I was crying so hard.  I know I completely did this to myself, but I was so, so hurt.  He told me he wanted to stay together.  He said he still wanted to marry me.  He told me he would always love me.  Yet less than 3 months after we broke up he is saying all these things to someone else?  I was on my bathroom floor in a puddle of tears.

Ok.  That’s the end of the part where Amy is dumb.  Now comes the part where Amy remembers what she should’ve included on yesterday’s list.

I couldn’t deal with this on my own, so I sent out some texts that told the story to Jill (Notre Dame best friend), Mary (one of my high school best friends), Nikki (sister), Christian (a friend I met post-breakup) and my aunt (who is 17 years younger than my dad and 8 years older than me, so she’s more like my big sister).  Everyone responded within seconds, and they were amazing.  There was a lot of C bashing going on (“What a loser.  Thank God you dodged that bullet.”)  but there was also more helpful replies.  Several of my friends told me that he probably wasn’t over me, but this was a coping mechanism.  They all admitted to doing the same thing when they’ve been dumped in the past.  Christian gave me the male perspective and said that he’d “probably do the same thing as soon as I knew it was for sure over.  It’s easier to act like you’re interested in someone else than sitting around by yourself missing your ex.”  Jill assured me that she’d done something similar because a breakup made her feel worthless and she just wanted to be loved.  Mary reminded me that C’s got a lot of messed up issues and I’m so much stronger and deserve so much better.  In the end, they all convinced me that I wasn’t just a worthless person who can be forgotten in 2 months, and this is more of C trying to cope with the situation (which he is 100% entitled to do).

They were amazing.  Everyone I sent out cries for help to responded within minutes.  They all continued to send encouraging texts for hours, and one even FaceTimed me so he could see for himself that I was really ok.  As much as reading those messages sucked and hurt, the overwhelming love and support I felt afterward made it ok.

So that’s the item I left off my list–reaching out for support from those who love you.  It can be tough to do this sometimes.  I didn’t want to admit to my friends that I was THAT girl who had logged into her ex’s Facebook and read a message.  But trying to deal with that on my own would’ve been hell.  I don’t love C anymore and I don’t want to be with him, but it was still incredibly hard to see that he was trying to move on so quickly.  I felt unloved and tossed aside (even though I was the one who ended it).  My S.O.S. reminded me that neither of these things is true.  I still have people in my life who love me and will always be there for me.  It’s still a little tough to think about what I saw.  Whenever I feel the sadness creeping back in, I scroll through the text conversations from last night and remember that I will be ok.

It is hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong or stupid.  But it’s even harder to suffer in silence.  I need to add an amendment to yesterday’s post:

11.  Lean on a person (or people) who loves you.

It’s one thing to read motivational quotes on Pinterest, but it’s another thing entirely to hear someone say motivational things that are specifically about you.  Don’t be afraid to bring a little drama to your friends or family; they love you and want to do whatever they can to help you.  Suffering in silence helps no one.  Remember the old saying that “it takes a village”?  That doesn’t stop after childhood.  Humans are meant to be social creatures, so if you are having a hard time please reach out to those around you.  If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, reach out to me.  I’ve been through enough crap myself, I would always be happy to help 🙂

 

The First Call

While I was running the other day (I’m up to 6 miles in my training…we aren’t going to count the atrocious 4 mile run I struggled with yesterday) I was thinking about my life.  I’ve known that I’ve been lonely since ending my engagement.  That was no shock, and it shouldn’t be.  I went from having a fiancee, someone who was always there (either physically or by phone/email/Gchat), to being single.  I’ve mentioned before how I have an amazing support group of family and friends, but there was definitely a void left after I lost that intimate relationship.

During this run, I realized something else.  I’m not anyone’s “first call.”  What do I mean by first call?  Think about it.  If something really amazing happens to you or you get some really great news, who is the first person you would call to share?  On the flip side, if something bad happens, who is the first person you want to talk to about it?  Chances are this is probably the same person.  For much of my friends and family, this person is probably their significant other.  C used to be my first call, and I was his.  Now my first call is probably my parents or my sister, and I’m pretty sure I am not anyone’s first call.  This is an incredibly lonely thought.

I think we all want to feel loved and special.  It’s been about 3.5 months since I ended my engagement.  I’m probably not in a place where I’m ready to enter into another serious relationship, but part of me really wants to start dating again.  I want to start trying to fill the void of lack of a significant other.  I want to be someone’s first call again.

I know, I know…now I’m just being pitiful.  But how adorbs is Stitch?

Don’t worry readers.  I’m not going to be stupid and jump into a relationship with the wrong guy.  The explosion and aftermath of what happened with C has made me a lot more wary of people and more selective about the men I get involved with.  I just hope this new resolve lasts, because the loneliness is starting to take it’s toll.  I want to be someone who can say that she’s perfectly happy being single and alone, but that’s just not me.  I miss the companionship.  I miss being loved (not as a daughter/sister/friend, but as a girlfriend).  I miss caring for someone and being cared for.  I miss being the first one to hear good or bad news.

We all know the old adage “love comes when you least expect it.”  I think this means that instead of looking for love we need to work on loving ourselves, and when we get better at that we will find someone who loves us the way we are.  I know I need to continue to work on making myself better before I will be ready to love again.  Anybody have tips on how to make that road feel a little less lonely?

Valentine’s Day

Yes, like everyone else in the blogosphere, I am writing a post about Valentine’s Day.  And yes, I’m too tired to think of a more creative title.  I would like to take this moment to apologize to my readers.

I wouldn’t say I was dreading this Valentine’s Day, but I was definitely more aware of it than I had been in previous years.  This is the first V Day since 2010 that I haven’t been with C.  It’s the first V Day since I had my heart broken into a million pieces and saw my engagement come to an end.

It’s not like C and I ever did anything extravagant for Valentine’s Day.  I’m kind of torn when it comes to this holiday.  I am opposed to the premise that we need a specific day to tell people we love just how much we care about them.  That should be a common occurrence.  However, I am a hopeless romantic at heart.  I love hearing cute Valentine’s stories.  Plus, the world can always use more love.  So C and I never did anything big for Valentine’s Day (actually, we usually ended up doing something on February 18 because my birthday is February 22 and I did not expect him to plan 2 celebrations in 8 days).

But still.  Even if I don’t really believe in the day, I still see all the couples around me and be reminded that I am single.  I expected it to hurt.  A lot.  I expected to be really sad and bitter all day.  Everyone around me expected that as well.  In fact, my mom made me promise I would go stay with them this weekend, so I’m taking off for Dickinson in about 3 hours.  I kinda figured I would drive home and then host an “I Hate Valentine’s” party a la Jessica Biel on Valentine’s Day.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel any of these negative emotions.  I had texts from my parents and 2 of my friends who live in the Eastern time zone (so it was an hour later for them).  So far I’ve gotten 6 Valentine cards and treats from students, and more texts have rolled in.  

ImageValentines from students as of 11 A.M.

Image

This one made me laugh pretty hard…and yes, that is a single Dorito glued to the bottom

I am definitely happy because I’m feeling the love from so many people in my life, but I’m also very pleased with my reaction to this day.  I’m so glad that I still love love.  All the shit that happened to me has not turned me into a bitter old curmudgeon.  I can realize that though my relationship didn’t work out I still have so many people in my life that care about me, and for that I am incredibly blessed.

If you are in a relationship today, I hope you and your loved one have a great day sharing your feelings.  If, like me, you are riding solo this time, try not to be sad about that fact.  Instead, appreciate the loved ones you do have in your life.  I hate people who refer to the day as S.A.D. (Singles Awareness Day).  Who cares if you are single?  There’s enough love to go around for everyone.  Love your family, love your friends, and love yourself.  You don’t need a significant other to be happy.  

Sending much love on this day of love ❤