Release

I was a pretty big emotional wreck when I posted on Friday.  I wasn’t lying when I said that my friends helped me through that situation.  They really did.  But it still sucked.  Even after talking to them and remembering I am loved, I still had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Maybe it was left over from what I saw, or maybe it was a premonition of what was to come.

Yes, somehow Friday afternoon got worse.  Remember when I posted about C’s job working as a fast food cook and how he hoped to start sending me money in April?  Well, I need to pay the cancellation fee for our party bus and was hoping he could help with that, so I emailed him on Monday asking how he wanted to send me money.  He never replied, and I started to fear the worst (ever since everything happened a part of me is constantly worried about getting a call that tells me C either died of an overdose or committed suicide) so I texted his dad asking if everything was ok.  His dad finally replied to me on Friday, and from his cryptic response I immediately knew that C was using again.  I bluntly asked his dad, “Did he relapse?” and he replied that he did, but it only happened once.  I then asked if he was back in treatment and he said no, he doesn’t need to be because it only happened once.  I replied that maybe he doesn’t know the whole story, because when C first told me what happened he said that he had used once and wanted to get help before it got bad.  Only a little later did it come out that he’d been using for a year and a half.

I’m almost positive C is using again and needs to be back in treatment.  Whenever I needed to email him in the last few months, he always replied within an hour and always included how many days clean he was.  Now it’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard from him.  I’m afraid his parents are in denial, or they’ve just given up on him.  Either way, I have to let it go.  Nothing I can do or say will help.  I tried for almost 3 years to be enough for him so he wouldn’t have to turn to drugs, but it didn’t work.  So even though I desperately want to call C and try to talk some sense into him, I won’t do that.

I can see now how an addiction can rule someone’s life.  I see the situation so clearly with my non-addicted brain.  If I was doing something that caused my fiancee to leave me, caused me to lose my job and have to move somewhere where I have nothing, and caused my family so much pain and heartache, I would STOP doing that in a heartbeat.  I’m not an addict, so that is a choice I am free to make.  C just can’t do that.  Less than 3 months after meth took everything from him he used again.  From what I saw on his Facebook, he is surrounding himself with other junkies again.  I can clearly see that he is not taking steps to lead a drug-free life, but apparently he can’t.

Frustrating though this realization is, it is also helping me forgive him.  I’m finally starting to believe that he did his best with our relationship.  He didn’t mean to hurt me.  His brain just tells him that he needs the drugs above all else, regardless of who he hurts in the process.  He is a very messed up person with a lot of problems.  But without the drugs I truly believe he never would have hurt me as badly as he did.  I can finally accept that he did love me in the best way he could.  Unfortunately, his best just is not what I deserve.

I’m trying very hard to let everything go.  I’ve been asking my friends and family to either unfriend him on Facebook or hide his updates.  I don’t want another mention of something someone saw to send me down a spiral again.  It can’t be my job to try and protect his feelings any more.  I will continue to pray, and pray hard, that he is able to find peace and live with his addiction.  It used to be so hard to pray for him; it’s not hard anymore.  He was my first real love, and a part of me will always care about him and want him to be happy.  But I’m done trying to do things to help him find happiness.  I just need to ask God to take care of him and hope those prayers will be enough to overcome his problems.

So yes, Friday sucked.  I went home from school and cried my eyes out.  I followed my own advice and reached out to Jill, who promptly called me and helped calm me down.  Then I forced myself to run even though all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry.  It was through this phone call and this run that I realized all the things in this post.  Who knew I was so good at giving advice? 🙂

Readers, please pray for me that I can stay on this path to forgiveness.  I feel peaceful now, but I know it’s going to take a lot of strength to sustain.  And please pray for C.  I think he’s at a point where he needs as many prayers as he can possibly get.  I’ve heard statistics that say only 3% of people who use meth can overcome the addiction, so he needs as much help as possible.

Finally, as another symbol of letting go I sold my engagement ring yesterday.  Someone offered me cash for it, and I didn’t accept their offer because I told myself that I could get a better offer.  In truth, I realized I was just scared to sell it.  That was one of my most prized possessions for over 9 months.  It was a symbol of my love and of my future, and the idea of selling it was so final.  I knew I had to do it, so I did.  It’s gone.  I didn’t know the person I sold it to, so I will never see it again.  I will admit, it was really sad to do it.  But it was another necessary step on my path to healing.

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The First Call

While I was running the other day (I’m up to 6 miles in my training…we aren’t going to count the atrocious 4 mile run I struggled with yesterday) I was thinking about my life.  I’ve known that I’ve been lonely since ending my engagement.  That was no shock, and it shouldn’t be.  I went from having a fiancee, someone who was always there (either physically or by phone/email/Gchat), to being single.  I’ve mentioned before how I have an amazing support group of family and friends, but there was definitely a void left after I lost that intimate relationship.

During this run, I realized something else.  I’m not anyone’s “first call.”  What do I mean by first call?  Think about it.  If something really amazing happens to you or you get some really great news, who is the first person you would call to share?  On the flip side, if something bad happens, who is the first person you want to talk to about it?  Chances are this is probably the same person.  For much of my friends and family, this person is probably their significant other.  C used to be my first call, and I was his.  Now my first call is probably my parents or my sister, and I’m pretty sure I am not anyone’s first call.  This is an incredibly lonely thought.

I think we all want to feel loved and special.  It’s been about 3.5 months since I ended my engagement.  I’m probably not in a place where I’m ready to enter into another serious relationship, but part of me really wants to start dating again.  I want to start trying to fill the void of lack of a significant other.  I want to be someone’s first call again.

I know, I know…now I’m just being pitiful.  But how adorbs is Stitch?

Don’t worry readers.  I’m not going to be stupid and jump into a relationship with the wrong guy.  The explosion and aftermath of what happened with C has made me a lot more wary of people and more selective about the men I get involved with.  I just hope this new resolve lasts, because the loneliness is starting to take it’s toll.  I want to be someone who can say that she’s perfectly happy being single and alone, but that’s just not me.  I miss the companionship.  I miss being loved (not as a daughter/sister/friend, but as a girlfriend).  I miss caring for someone and being cared for.  I miss being the first one to hear good or bad news.

We all know the old adage “love comes when you least expect it.”  I think this means that instead of looking for love we need to work on loving ourselves, and when we get better at that we will find someone who loves us the way we are.  I know I need to continue to work on making myself better before I will be ready to love again.  Anybody have tips on how to make that road feel a little less lonely?