Time Marches On

Wow I am really bad at keeping a blog during the summer. It’s kind of ironic, because I definitely have a lot more free time than I do during the school year. I think the problem is that my life is actually kind of boring during the summer months. I spent most of the month of June working and taking online classes, and during July I’ve been working and have actually gone home a few times to visit my family. Nothing super blogworthy.

I have also been maintaining a fairly steady dating life. I think last time I blogged about this I was talking about Mr. Chivalrous. That kind of fizzled before it even got going. I was a little bummed at first, but now it is NBD. I’ve gone out with a couple different guys and met someone who I am pretty excited about but I think I’m going to refrain from sharing too many details (call me superstitious but did I jinx things before?). I promise, I will keep you updated on how things play out with that situation (I do have a good story involving How I Met Your Mother and me drinking way too much, but like I said, I’m going to withhold details for the time being).

As far as things with C, I’m really starting to feel a distance from all of that. I think the wedding date being past was a major help. Before, I could talk about how much I was healing but I still had that speed bump to get through. Now the whole thing really is behind me. Before, when I met someone new I felt like I had to reveal that story almost immediately. I don’t feel that need for immediacy as much anymore. I also don’t feel the need to share as many of the gory details. All the new guy knows is that I was engaged, found out he was using meth, and dumped his sorry ass. Maybe if things progress I will tell him about the robbery and how awful the breakup was, but I don’t feel a need to now. It’s like those gory details used to be such a big part of who I was as a person that I couldn’t not share them. Now I’m starting to feel as if they were a huge part of someone I used to be, but I’m starting a new chapter so they are only a little part of what has made me the person I am today.

It’s funny, it’s been almost 6 months since I started this blog. I’m really glad I did it because I now have a chronicle of my survival of the worst breakup of my life. When I started the blog, I was having a tough time imagining the future. Every day was so painful to try and get through. I didn’t know if I would ever get to a place where I am now. I’m not going to sit here and say I’m completely healed and totally over the whole situation, but I’m sure as hell a lot better than I was before. And it feels pretty great to have gotten here.

Advertisements

June 22

I made it.  The day I was supposed to be getting married has passed.  

I would be lying if I said it was totally easy to make it through, but I did it.  Overall I think I did pretty well.  I had a few breakdowns last week (like when I got emails confirming the rehearsal dinner or when I would hear a song that reminds me of C) but for the most part I was able to distract myself.  Yesterday wasn’t too bad either.  I really tried not to dwell on what could have been happening.  There were a couple of times when I looked at the clock and thought “It’s 9 a.m.  I would probably be getting my hair done now,” but I really tried not to do that.  

My cousin came to visit, and we spent the morning shopping and then went to lunch.  That provided a good distraction.  In the afternoon we went back to my apartment just to relax and nap.  If you are trying to distract yourself on your non-wedding day, I wouldn’t recommend doing this.  That’s when my mind started racing and I had my breakdown.  I sobbed for about an hour as I waited for my emotions to catch up with my logic.  Logically I know it is good that I wasn’t marrying C that day.  He’s a drug addict.  I don’t want that in my life.  However, it took my emotions some time to catch up.  After that breakdown we ordered Papa John’s (it was my non-wedding day, I got a free pass on calories) and then got fancied up and went out on the town.  A couple other friends met us out, drinks were had, poor decisions were made, but overall I actually had a lot of fun.

My friends and family have been amazing through this whole situation, and yesterday was no different.  The texts and calls started at 8:30 and didn’t stop all day.  It was kind of hard to have those reminders coming in all day, but it was also nice to know that I had so many people who were thinking of me.  I didn’t have to be strong on my own.

I’m just so glad the date has passed.  Now I feel like I can actually start putting this whole ordeal in the past.  Before, whenever I would tell someone what happened to me, I had to say that the wedding date hadn’t come yet.  I don’t have to say that anymore.  It’s over.  This whole ordeal is in my past.  My dad (who is currently in Puerto Rico with my mom and sister) texted me last night and said “It’s June 22 here.  You made it.”

I did make it.  Time to leave the past in the past and see what life has in store for me.  I’m going to make it great.

The Week From Hell

Well, it’s here.  The week that was supposed to be my wedding week.  I honestly, honestly thought this week wouldn’t be that hard.  It’s been almost 6 months since I called off the wedding.  I’ve got a new apartment, new job, and am dating again.  I’ve moved on.

I’m a day in and I couldn’t have been more wrong.  My sisters visited this weekend and that provided a good distraction, but as soon as they left I just fell apart.  I started to get it together but things keep happening that remind me of what was supposed to be going on this week.  Yesterday morning I woke up with an email from the hotel we were supposed to stay at on our wedding night that wanted to confirm the room.  The room had been cancelled, but a glitch in the system caused that email to go out.  Then today I got an email from the owner of the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was supposed to be wanting to confirm that.  C’s mom had taken care of that and apparently hadn’t called them to cancel.

I thought I would have it pulled together, but I don’t.  I can’t seem to make it more than an hour without crying.  Then I get frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be crying over that piece of crap anymore.  Logically I know that I dodged a huge bullet by not marrying him.  I know he wasn’t good for me.  I know my life would have been hell if I would have gone through with it and married him after I found out he’s a drug addict.  So it frustrates me that I’m having such a hard time this week.  Why??

Anyone have any suggestions on how to survive this week?

First One Down

IT’S SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As of 3 pm yesterday afternoon I officially survived my first year as a teacher. It was touch and go at some points, but I made it through and am excited to be back next year. I was actually a little sad to see the year end because I might actually miss seeing the students every day (even the ones who are little turds most of the time). However, sleeping in this morning was pretty glorious.

Ok, time to get down to the juicy stuff. I promised that I would keep you updated on how my foray into the world of online dating goes. Well, last night I went on my first official date that was a direct result of the app I downloaded. I met this guy (we will call him Joe) at a brand new Irish pub in Fargo. I was excited because I had never been, but the rest was pretty terrifying. What if it was super awkward? What if I wanted to leave after 10 minutes? What if I really liked him but HE wanted to leave after 10 minutes? The scenarios were running rampant through my head as I got ready.

The getting ready was an ordeal in itself. I want to look good but not fake or high maintenance. And what the hell to wear? I didn’t want to be dressier than him (or than what was appropriate for the place) but I also wanted to wear an outfit that I liked and felt confident in. By the time 7:30 rolled around I was a wreck.

Guys, it was FINE. He got there before I did (I planned that one…I wanted to be the waitee not the waiter) and so when I walked in I just marched up to him and gave him a hug (remember, we’ve been texting for a little over a week at this point so we weren’t TOTAL strangers). I pretended like it wasn’t awkward, and in about 30 seconds flat it wasn’t. Conversation started right away and didn’t stop for 5 hours. No, that is not a typo. We sat at our table at the same bar for FIVE HOURS. The first time I actually checked my phone I was shocked to see we had been sitting there for 3 hours already. I guess that’s a good sign, right? Neither of us were bored or uncomfortable enough to want to leave or even check the time.

Here’s my problem: obviously after sitting at a bar for 5 hours we had a few drinks. By the end of the night I had a definite buzz. Because of this, I’m nervous to trust any assessments of the evening. Was there a connection, or was I just being the usual chatty person I am after drinking? Is it worth a second date (without alcohol involved) to find out? As Jill pointed out, 5 hours of talking with only a few seconds of awkwardness probably warrants seeing him again.

So the first date is over. I imagine if I see Joe again or decide to meet up with any other OkCupid guys it will be a lot easier. Oh, and for those of you who might be wondering, there was no kissing or anything at the end of the night. I probably would’ve allowed it (definite buzz, remember?) but I wasn’t drunk enough to make the first move and he only went in for the hug.

This summer might be interesting…

I’m Slightly Awkward and Embarrassed…

Last week I was Gchatting with my friend Jill about the upcoming summer.  As ready as I am for the school year to be over, I’m kind of nervous about summer.  I’m moving out of my aunt’s house into my new apartment, which I am ecstatic about but I will also be living alone for 2.5 months until my sister comes back from summer break.  As I think I’ve mentioned before, my previous relationship consumed a lot of my life in Fargo and I’ve never made a lot of friends in town.  Of the few friends I have made, one in spending 2 months in South America and the others all have jobs that require them to work a lot of nights and weekends.  I’m starting to get nervous about being really lonely all summer.

About 2 seconds after I sent a long chat message explaining all of this, Jill responded with one word: “OkCupid.”  Apparently it’s this free dating website/app that a bunch of her friends use in Chicago and have a really fun time with.  She said that one of her friends met a lot of people through the app and didn’t pay for a dinner out for months.  Even though Fargo is a lot smaller than Chicago, she thought it was still big enough that I should give it a try.

Time for some honesty.  I still kind of think there is a stigma around online dating.  I’m not sure if this is a societal feeling or a personal feeling, but part of me felt that “resorting” to online dating as a 25-year-old was kind of embarrassing or sad.  Jill told me to stop being stupid, that it’s a good way to meet people in my town (especially when I don’t have a ton of time outside of school and coaching).  I started to relent a little.  I mean, how else do people meet these days?  Pretty much everyone of my friends I met at either school or work.  I no longer have the platform of college to force me to make connections with people.  The staff at my school is fairly small and I know everyone who works here.  The only other way I could come up with to meet new people is out at a bar, but that’s how I met my ex so that option left a bad taste in my mouth.  I swallowed my pride and made an account.

You guys, it’s been so fun so far.  Sure, there are a fair share of creepers out there who send me gross messages about wanting to hook up, but a few guys have messaged me that I’ve responded to and actually enjoy talking to.  Most are like me–not thrilled to be on the site but want to meet new people and don’t have a lot of time to do so.  I’ve been a member since last Tuesday, and over the weekend I finally agreed to meet one of the guys in person.  I was hesitant, but I realized that it is a dating site and a person may come across totally differently in person than they do via message.  So on Thursday I will be meeting who Jill and I (she’s my personal assistant with this journey) have dubbed Microsoft Guy at a new bar in town.  He was one of the first guys to message me, and we have since moved to texting and have been talking for a few days.  He seems really easy to talk to, so I feel comfortable meeting him in person to see if that holds true face-to-face.  

I’m still a little awkward about this whole thing.  I told my brother’s girlfriend that I have a blind date this week, and she asked who knows this guy and set it up.  I kind of dodged the question, but a little later she asked again so I admitted I met him on this app.  She didn’t judge (or didn’t seem to anyway), but I still felt awkward about it.  I guess after doing it for awhile I may get more comfortable/less embarrassed about it, but we’ll see.  At any rate, at least it should make for an interesting summer!  And since when I started this blog I said it would be part-Carrie Bradshaw, I promise I will update and let you know how things are progressing.  

In the meantime, anyone else do the whole online dating thing?  Are you having any success?  Do you feel awkward/embarrassed about it?

Daydream Believer

Ok, technically this post isn’t about a daydream.  That song has just been in my head this morning, and it kind of works for this post. Anyway.

So last night I watched the final movie in the Twilight series (judge me if you wish; FX played the series the other day and I watched 2 of them so naturally I had to finish).  I went to bed and then had a dream that I started dating Edward Cullen.  He loved me as much as his character loves Bella in the movie.  Then all the sudden the ex-fiancee C returned and wanted to get back together.  We started kissing, Edward found out (cuz he can hear thoughts, remember?), and he came and killed C and we rode off into the sunset.  Then I woke up.

Generally I am not one to analyze my dreams.  This is due in large part to the fact that I usually dream really, really random stuff.  Freud would love to have me as a patient.  But this dream was pretty normal (well, the vampire thing isn’t but I’m gonna blame that one on Twilight) and the messages are pretty clear.  They are also somewhat concerning to me.

The first thing this dream suggests to me is that I’m still desperately lusting after true love.  I think there are few people in this world who don’t want to find great love.  But I have a problem of being too obsessed with the idea (and with the fear of being alone).  I’ve tried to tell myself a million times, whether in my own head or on my blog, that I need to spend time focused on figuring out who I am and loving that person.  I need to revel in the fact that I am a child of God who is infinitely loved and not be so concerned about finding spousal love.  I’ve even tried to kid myself into thinking that I’m achieving these goals, when in reality I’m not.  I’m not happy being alone and I’m borderline-desperate to find someone (if dreaming about being loved by a vampire who kills one’s exes doesn’t suggest desperation, I’m not sure what does).  I don’t want to be this way, but it’s been 4.5 months since I ended my engagement and I still haven’t figured out how to stop.

The second message is pretty clear as well.  Right after I found everything out about C I had multiple dreams about him dying (and to be honest, it was usually ex-boyfriends who killed him.  I guess I like the idea of a knight in shining armor protecting me).  I haven’t had a dream like this in a looooong time.  I do think it is significant that this time it was a “new” love who killed him.  I think it’s pretty clear that the fact that he died (again) shows I still have some anger towards him.  I also think him being killed by a new love means that I don’t think I’ll truly be over him until I find someone else to replace him.  I’m not ok with either of these ideas.  I don’t want to be angry anymore.  I don’t have room or energy in my life to hang on to negative emotions.  I also don’t want to be someone who needs a man to be ok with herself.  I’ve clearly got some things to work on.

You may think I’m totally crazy for reading into a dream like this.  I don’t necessarily blame you.  However, even if I just randomly had this dream after watching Twilight, it still got me thinking about lingering issues I have.  It’s not like I had this dream and went searching for meaning behind every word and image.  It just forced me to be honest with myself about some things I had been burying.  That’s a good thing, right?  And more importantly, how do I conquer these issues?

Half marathon countdown:  2 days, 21 hours, 38 minutes

T-3 Days

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  I gave you a heads-up that my brain is swirling with thoughts of the impending doom that is the half marathon I’m going to run on Saturday.  Since it’s pretty much all I can think about, it’s pretty much all I’m going to blog about for the next 4 days 🙂

I’m not sure why I’m so nervous for this half marathon.  I’ve already done 2, and I did the Fargo Half last year.  I know 2 half marathons isn’t an extreme amount, but I have a pretty good idea of what to expect.  Usually my nerves kick in when I’m about to do something new or unfamiliar.  Maybe I’m nervous about the fact that I don’t 100% know how my body is going to respond on race day.  I’ve had some training runs that feel amazing, and others where my legs start to get sore about a mile into the run (these days usually correspond to the days I drink less than 60 oz of water beforehand…you’d think I would learn).

Last night was my last long-ish training run before Saturday.  I went 7.37 miles, and now tonight and tomorrow I’ll just do 3-4.  Yesterday was one of the good runs.  It was 60 degrees out, so for the first time all year I was able to run in short sleeves.  I had a little bit of foot numbness in my left foot from Mile 2-3 (I have pronation issues if I don’t focus on keeping my foot stable) but otherwise I felt really strong.  As I was finishing, I thought to myself that I probably had enough left to do 6 more miles, so I should be ready to go on Saturday.  Like I said yesterday, this race is going to be mostly about mental strength so I’m doing what I can to build that up.

I realized something else while I was running yesterday.  My aunt is also running the half, and yesterday she told me her goal is to run sub-10 min/miles.  That would put her total time at under 2 hours, 10 minutes–at least 5 minutes faster than my goal.  I started to feel badly about myself and began to wonder if I could push myself to run that pace.  I was considering this while I was running last night, and I realized that I place way too much stock in comparing myself to others.  Two days ago I was content with my time goal for the half; now, one comment was making me reconsider that.  Why should my aunt’s goal have any impact on my own?

After this became clear, I also realized that running is not the only arena of my life where comparisons run rampant.  At my cousin’s wedding this past weekend I found myself thinking, “Ok, the bride is 30.  They met 3 years ago, which means I would have just under 2 years to meet my future spouse.  That’s not so bad.  They seem like a decently young couple.”  I’ve done this same calculation with many other couples as well.  I think it’s the fear of being the old maid friend that prompts me to do this.  I also want to have a family and be a somewhat young mom.  These two things lead me to constantly compare my place in life with those around me.  Sometimes these comparisons give me hope (like at my cousin’s wedding–2 years is PLENTY of time to meet someone) and other times they stress me out (at my age she was married and had two kids, I’m going to be alone forever!).  

I decided last night that I’m done comparing myself.  I’m uniquely me.  My life will take a different path than everyone around me, and that’s ok.  It’s ok if it takes me 2 hours and 20 minutes to run a half marathon.  That’s not the fastest pace ever, but I’m still out there doing it.  It’s also ok if I’m 25 and still single.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to be alone forever.  Constantly comparing myself to others is only going to leave me feeling inadequate and stressed out, and probably saddle me with some feelings of jealousy as well.  I’m making a commitment to replacing the comparisons with self-love.  I think if I’m actually able to do this I will have much better relationships with others and with myself.

Half marathon countdown–3 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes 

Top of the List

Yesterday I posted my top 10 list of things to do to fight back when life gets you down.  I have to share what happened to me last night that made me realize I left one of the most important things off the list.  This post is going to start with a story.  In this story Amy is bad and asks that her readers please don’t judge her.  The story has a good ending though, I promise.  Just stick with me.

So last night I was hanging out with my sister and she made some offhand comment about how one of C’s sisters had posted a picture of him and he looks like he’s getting fat.  Naturally, the evil and shallow part of me wanted to see said picture.  However, since I unfriended everyone associated with that life I could not see the picture.  This is where I get dumb.  I decided instead of just letting it go, I would log into his account.  I knew his old password and was surprised to see he hadn’t changed it since we’d broken up.  I promise I was just going to look at the picture and then log out.  When I logged in I saw he had a new message.  This is where I get dumber (please don’t judge me…it was a moment of extreme weakness).  It was from some girl, and I clicked on the message.  I scrolled up thru older messages and saw that in mid-March he was sending her messages saying things like “hey beautiful” and “just thinking about how cute and beautiful you are.”

I have no idea when these messages started.  I only made it to mid-March and had to close out because I was crying so hard.  I know I completely did this to myself, but I was so, so hurt.  He told me he wanted to stay together.  He said he still wanted to marry me.  He told me he would always love me.  Yet less than 3 months after we broke up he is saying all these things to someone else?  I was on my bathroom floor in a puddle of tears.

Ok.  That’s the end of the part where Amy is dumb.  Now comes the part where Amy remembers what she should’ve included on yesterday’s list.

I couldn’t deal with this on my own, so I sent out some texts that told the story to Jill (Notre Dame best friend), Mary (one of my high school best friends), Nikki (sister), Christian (a friend I met post-breakup) and my aunt (who is 17 years younger than my dad and 8 years older than me, so she’s more like my big sister).  Everyone responded within seconds, and they were amazing.  There was a lot of C bashing going on (“What a loser.  Thank God you dodged that bullet.”)  but there was also more helpful replies.  Several of my friends told me that he probably wasn’t over me, but this was a coping mechanism.  They all admitted to doing the same thing when they’ve been dumped in the past.  Christian gave me the male perspective and said that he’d “probably do the same thing as soon as I knew it was for sure over.  It’s easier to act like you’re interested in someone else than sitting around by yourself missing your ex.”  Jill assured me that she’d done something similar because a breakup made her feel worthless and she just wanted to be loved.  Mary reminded me that C’s got a lot of messed up issues and I’m so much stronger and deserve so much better.  In the end, they all convinced me that I wasn’t just a worthless person who can be forgotten in 2 months, and this is more of C trying to cope with the situation (which he is 100% entitled to do).

They were amazing.  Everyone I sent out cries for help to responded within minutes.  They all continued to send encouraging texts for hours, and one even FaceTimed me so he could see for himself that I was really ok.  As much as reading those messages sucked and hurt, the overwhelming love and support I felt afterward made it ok.

So that’s the item I left off my list–reaching out for support from those who love you.  It can be tough to do this sometimes.  I didn’t want to admit to my friends that I was THAT girl who had logged into her ex’s Facebook and read a message.  But trying to deal with that on my own would’ve been hell.  I don’t love C anymore and I don’t want to be with him, but it was still incredibly hard to see that he was trying to move on so quickly.  I felt unloved and tossed aside (even though I was the one who ended it).  My S.O.S. reminded me that neither of these things is true.  I still have people in my life who love me and will always be there for me.  It’s still a little tough to think about what I saw.  Whenever I feel the sadness creeping back in, I scroll through the text conversations from last night and remember that I will be ok.

It is hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong or stupid.  But it’s even harder to suffer in silence.  I need to add an amendment to yesterday’s post:

11.  Lean on a person (or people) who loves you.

It’s one thing to read motivational quotes on Pinterest, but it’s another thing entirely to hear someone say motivational things that are specifically about you.  Don’t be afraid to bring a little drama to your friends or family; they love you and want to do whatever they can to help you.  Suffering in silence helps no one.  Remember the old saying that “it takes a village”?  That doesn’t stop after childhood.  Humans are meant to be social creatures, so if you are having a hard time please reach out to those around you.  If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, reach out to me.  I’ve been through enough crap myself, I would always be happy to help 🙂

 

The First Call

While I was running the other day (I’m up to 6 miles in my training…we aren’t going to count the atrocious 4 mile run I struggled with yesterday) I was thinking about my life.  I’ve known that I’ve been lonely since ending my engagement.  That was no shock, and it shouldn’t be.  I went from having a fiancee, someone who was always there (either physically or by phone/email/Gchat), to being single.  I’ve mentioned before how I have an amazing support group of family and friends, but there was definitely a void left after I lost that intimate relationship.

During this run, I realized something else.  I’m not anyone’s “first call.”  What do I mean by first call?  Think about it.  If something really amazing happens to you or you get some really great news, who is the first person you would call to share?  On the flip side, if something bad happens, who is the first person you want to talk to about it?  Chances are this is probably the same person.  For much of my friends and family, this person is probably their significant other.  C used to be my first call, and I was his.  Now my first call is probably my parents or my sister, and I’m pretty sure I am not anyone’s first call.  This is an incredibly lonely thought.

I think we all want to feel loved and special.  It’s been about 3.5 months since I ended my engagement.  I’m probably not in a place where I’m ready to enter into another serious relationship, but part of me really wants to start dating again.  I want to start trying to fill the void of lack of a significant other.  I want to be someone’s first call again.

I know, I know…now I’m just being pitiful.  But how adorbs is Stitch?

Don’t worry readers.  I’m not going to be stupid and jump into a relationship with the wrong guy.  The explosion and aftermath of what happened with C has made me a lot more wary of people and more selective about the men I get involved with.  I just hope this new resolve lasts, because the loneliness is starting to take it’s toll.  I want to be someone who can say that she’s perfectly happy being single and alone, but that’s just not me.  I miss the companionship.  I miss being loved (not as a daughter/sister/friend, but as a girlfriend).  I miss caring for someone and being cared for.  I miss being the first one to hear good or bad news.

We all know the old adage “love comes when you least expect it.”  I think this means that instead of looking for love we need to work on loving ourselves, and when we get better at that we will find someone who loves us the way we are.  I know I need to continue to work on making myself better before I will be ready to love again.  Anybody have tips on how to make that road feel a little less lonely?

Struggling

I’m having a hard time with things today guys.  My ex-fiancee (the one who moved out to California for drug rehab and is currently living out there in a halfway house) emailed me this morning.  I have blocked his phone number and deleted him off Facebook, not because I’m being petty but because it just hurts too much to talk to him.  Email is the only way for him to contact me.  Every once in a while he will abuse that and send me several emails per day, but I usually ignore these or keep my responses brief and he gets the hint.

Anyway, he emailed me today to tell me that he will hopefully be able to send me some money after April 1 because he will get paid from his new job.  He’s sending me money to try and help pay back some of the wedding expenses (which my parents and I had completely covered up to that point with no help from him) and some of the credit card debt he left me with on the card we had in both of our names.  I stupidly replied and asked what his new job is.  C’s true passion is construction management.  He loves building things and working with his hands, so when he told me he was working as a cook at Cafe Rio (I guess it’s like a Chipotle or Qdoba) it made me really sad.

I don’t want to feel like this right now.  I know a big part of what I’m feeling is pity.  How do you go from loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them to not caring about their hopes and dreams?  How am I supposed to not feel awful that he’s almost 25 and has nothing going for him in his life other than the fact that he’s 75 days clean?  I don’t even care about the money as much (thought it would be nice if he could help me out a little bit), but the whole situation just makes me really sad.

It was exactly 11 weeks ago that I officially ended the engagement.  I’m not dumb enough to think that all these feelings will go away in 11 weeks.  But they had been getting so much better.  Maybe it’s the fact that so many other things have been going on in my life that have taken my attention, but these last few weeks I found myself thinking less and less about C and about my lost future.  Then I have days like today, where I feel just as weak as I felt 10 weeks ago.  I’m sitting at my desk swallowing the lump in my throat and trying not to let my eyes fill with tears.  I think a big part of the problem is the fact that because of this stupid boot on my foot I haven’t ran since Monday, so I haven’t been getting my daily dose of endorphins.  But still, this sucks.

For those of you who have ended engagements and lived to tell the tale, when does it really start to get better?  How long before I don’t have days like today?